


Tell him.

by BryttaniDaffodil



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 16:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2588216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BryttaniDaffodil/pseuds/BryttaniDaffodil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tell him I did it all for him. Tell him that I would have gone to the edge of depravity for him. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to keep him alive and safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back again with another johniarty! I'm actually in the middle of writing a sort of "Texts from Last Night" johniarty, but this bug hit me out of nowhere and I had to write it. I was inspired by a text post about supernatural, and when I find it I will link it here. Otherwise, I hope everyone enjoys this! Kudos/Comments are very appreciated.  
> Also, follow me on tumblr if you ever want to ask questions. I'm almost always on!  
> ioncewasyoung.tumblr.com

Tell him I did it all for him.

Tell him that I would have gone to the edge of depravity for him. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to keep him alive and safe. Make sure you tell him that no one would be safe if his life was on the line. I couldn't take any chances, and I am so sorry I had to leave him.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------

 

When he catches his breath he is going to have so many questions. He is going to want to know why I had to die, he is going to ask who else knew, and he is going to demand to know these things when you refuse to tell him.

He is going to hit you. Let him.

Tell him that the details of the end don't matter; tell him it was the journey there that mattered. Tell him that he was the only taste of heaven that I will ever be allowed. Tell him that I would pick his lips over the pearly gates any day.

Prepare yourself for another punch. He tends to get violent when he is embarrassed.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't tell him that I hesitated. Tell him that I did what I had to do and I never had a second thought. Tell him I would blow out my goddamn brains in an eternal loop if I had to, to keep him safe. Don't tell him that my hand shook at the thought of his face when he hears the news.

Instead, tell him that I would sink to the bottom of the deepest ocean as long as he was the weight attached to my ankle. Tell him that he has always been my anchor in this fucking world.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tell him that I wish I had known him when I started on this path. Tell him that I wish I had known the texture of his skin when I was covered in bruises and filled with hatred. Let him know that if I had known that eyes the color of his existed that I would have been a different person.

Watch for him closely when you say this because his limp comes back when he is under emotional distress. Don't you dare let his leg buckle, don't you fucking dare. Do not offer a hand, though. His eyes will turn steely and his lip will curl. 

He is an army doctor after all. Yes, my army doctor.  
\--------------------------------------------

Tell him that I never want anyone else to ever touch him. That no one will touch him the way he was made to be. They will never know that his scars are somehow the least interesting aspect about him. But also that they are sensitive to the touch and more so when you trace the wrinkled and puckered skin with your tongue.

No one will ever take enough time to count his freckles or spend countless hours trying to find the right word for his hair color. Tell him that no one else deserves to hear his laugh or feel his smile pressed against their mouth. 

Tell him that I didn't deserve it, but I have always been so selfish and I took them with no guilt.

Don't tell him any of that.

Don't. 

\------------------------------

Tell him that I loved him the most when he was frowning at me. He will scoff, but tell him that it's true. Tell him that I never loved him more than when he was disapproving of me or what I was doing. I loved that he was never scared of me, was never timid in the face of great danger.

He will shake here, he will rub his face and sit in the silence.

Let him.

He deserves a lifetime of peace the least we can do is give him this moment.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------

I know how badly his heart is aching. It's worse than the bullet that ripped through muscle, tendons, and bone. It feels like the blackest betrayal. Tell him that I knew all this when I pulled the trigger. Tell him that I would have burned this world down to ash for him.

Tell him that I had to start with myself to keep him breathing.

Tell him that there was no point for me to be alive if he wasn't living. That the only thing worse than death would be an existence without him. 

Tell him that I loved him when he tasted like chlorine, tell him I loved him when he smelt like another mad genius, tell him I can only love him when he is alive.

He will understand.

An army doctor with PTSD will always understand.

\-------------------------------------------

 

It was always going to come down to this, to him. Sherlock, the ice man, The Woman, none of them mattered.

None of it mattered.

Don't mention that part to him. 

\----------------------------

Just, just tell him this. Tell him that every second of the scorching heat of hell is going to be worth it to me. Tell him that my skin might be sliced off, my muscles might burn and bubble away, and my bones might crack and shatter, but it will be the least I deserve.

Tell him that he made me want to be a better person. A person that might go to heaven when their time card is punched. 

Tell him that he made me want to be better.

In the end I just couldn't be anything more than what I am.  
\--------------------------------------------------

 

Tell him that it's okay to miss me. Tell him to avoid my flat, that the smell is going to break him all over again. Tell him I know this because my last inhale was filled with his scent. Tell him that, that small part of him will get me through an afterlife without him.

Tell him that I would fight everyone and everything to get back to him. That I would scour heaven and hell to be back at his side.

I'm never going to be back at his side. Maybe don't tell him this. 

Don't tell him any of this.  
\----------------------

 

So just pass on this one thing for me. Just tell him that he was never the ordinary one. That he was never the live in.

I was, before I found him.


End file.
